City Of Love
The Heavyweight Division

Read how ‘The Chancer’ came to his new home here

Shit, I thought. Maybe this was a mistake. I was stood at the side of the pitch, watching as the ball hit the back of the net. Shit. Maybe coming to Paris was the wrong move. Another goal. Maybe I should have stayed in Germany. It was nice there. The fans loved me, the team loved me. Another goal. It was tough but I think I had a good team, one I’d built myself and made into a great side. Another goal. Yeah, I grimaced, I’ve definitely made a mistake. Another goal. Why have I done this to myself? Another goal. Sigh. Another goal. Another goal. Another goal. I got back onto the team coach, the players all sat separately, listening to music, or taking pouting photos of themselves. We’d just beat Napoli 9-1, in Napoli. Yet I was stood looking at the players, pompous, overpaid peacocks, and I was thinking I’d made a mistake coming here.

I guess we should get on with it. The lads are, as you’d expect, running away with the league with a distance of 8 points between us and trailing Monaco, we are also about to kick off in the domestic cups as well as trying to juggle the champions league. This big expensive squad of mine is about to be put to the test.

Season

November:
‘And this is the Mona Lisa, one of the most famous pieces of art in the history of the world–’
‘Fuck me, she has a face like a smacked arse.’
‘I beg your pardon, sir?’
‘Mona, she looks a right fucking misery.’
Champs League Group Stage – Napoli, 5-0 – Disappointed really, I thought after us beating them 9-1 they’d want to gain some pride back, instead it was like taking candy from a baby.
Bordeaux, 0-0
Reims, 5-1
Champs League Group Stage – Dynamo Kyiv, 2-0
LOSC, 5-2

Another massive month, which has seen a further two heavy wins in the Champions League and also another seven points collected in the league. A league which is really starting to open up. And by open up I mean, I’m opening up a massive gaping hole between ourselves and 2nd.

December:
‘Booooo,’ the crowd roared as I entered the pitch. I was back in Germany, about to take on Bayern at the Allianz Arena. The fans remembered some of my famous victories here with Braunschweig. And the shite I’d left on the pitch after one of our losses. ‘Boooo.’ Allegri smirked, he himself had no reason to love me, after we comprehensively battered his Barcelona team last year over two legs. ‘Booo!’ Allegri had joined in with the pantomime booing himself. Dickhead. I couldn’t help myself, I flipped the crowd the finger, received more boo’s so doubled up my efforts with a flamboyancy any of my peacock players would have been proud of.

FC Lorient, 2-0
OGCN, 4-0
Champs League Group Stage – Bayern, 2-2
Toulouse FC, 3-0
Coupe de la Ligue 4th Round – Reims, 2-0
Nancy, 7-2
OL, 6-1

26 goals in 7 games. That is ridiculous. Look at those last two games, 13 goals, against two top division teams. This team is scary. Really, truly terrifying. It’s just a shame we aren’t in a more competitive league to properly test them. Oh yeah, the Champions League, and we are twatting teams in that too. Shit, I think I might actually be amazing…


January:
‘Aww stop it. C’mon lads, don’t be so mean, he’s only little.’ I’d walked out of my office to find Neymar and Mbappe, both not exactly known for being the tallest players in the world, lifting my assistant Javi up and hanging him from his undies on a hook. ‘You bunch of bullies.’

French Cup 9th Round – Paris FC, 10-0 – The battle of Paris, the divide between the fans. And we fucking slaughtered them.
Coupe de la Ligue Quarter-final – Nancy, 8-1
Montpellier, 3-1
SM Caen, 4-0
Coupe de la Ligue Semi-final – RC Lens, 3-0
OM, 2-1

30 goals in six games. Fuck me. Our impressive form has gotten even better. At this point, I’m not worried about the league. It’s pretty much sewn up if we keep playing with this intensity. The players are hungry for success now and we keep demolishing teams in the cup. A derby with lower league Paris summed it up with us scoring 10 goals, and in truth, they were lucky they left having lost only by 10. There was some opposition to my appointment when I first joined but they are all on side now, stating how much they enjoy my style of play as we ramp up our efforts in the business end of the season. There is still a long way to go though so I won’t count my chickens just yet. I mean, I don’t have any chickens so I’d have to go buy some to count them and that seems like too much time and effort.

A few injuries to the lads up front meant I had to make a choice, either I go and spend stupid money on another forward, or I looked to the academy. Knowing this wasn’t going to be a long-term project I must admit I’d been very neglectful of the academy prospects. I was surprised then to find a young lad called Brian Lobo, at 20 years old. He looks like a potential star. I gave him a chance and fuck me did he take it. He scored a hat-trick on his debut and, as they say, a star was born.

February:
‘I want you to practice shooting lads. Rulli, get in between the sticks and the lads will take pot shots at you.’ The team swaggered over, all confident in their abilities, and unsurprisingly, they’ve scored a ridiculous amount of goals this season between them.

‘Neymar, you first.’ Neymar stepped up, took a shot and was surprised when Rulli turned it away. ‘Mbappe, show them how it’s done.’ He placed the ball down, eyed the keeper, then put his foot through the ball. He turned away to start celebrating, only to be stopped in his tracks by Rulli theatrically palming the ball away.

‘Fuck me,’ I said, more than impressed. Right, I thought, my turn. I placed the ball on the spot, gave Rulli the eyes, took a step, paused, took another and paused again. ‘Now!’ I shouted. Javi opened a bag with dozens of balls and started shooting to put Rulli off. I used the distraction to step up and slot mine away. ‘That’s how you fucking do it, lads.’

French Cup 10th Round – Gaz. Ajaccio, 1-0
Rennes, 2-0
AS Saint-Etienne, 0-0
Nimes, 2-0
EA Guingamp, 3-0
Champions League 1st Knockout – Tottenham, 4-5 – Away goals are beautiful at times like this. An epic tie, with Tottenham going head-to-head with us.
Dijon FCO, 2-0

Unsurprisingly we’ve slowed down in the goal count, there was no way we could keep playing at that level, fortunately, however, we have still kept up our good form. We remain unbeaten in the league and have again progressed in the French Cup. A tough game against Tottenham at the New White Heart Lane – well done for the original stadium name by the way guys – saw us score four away, which puts us in a great position in the second leg back in Paris.


Player of the Episode:

Mbappe, again. Jesus Christ, the man is a fucking machine. Everyone is scoring goals but he is at another level. He’s been injured during this episode with a few niggles, yet still managed to score 10 goals. He’s scored 40 goals in all competitions this season. What. The. Fuck. It’s fucking February.

Future:

This is the chronicles of a chancer. I’m a chancer. I started at Barca, managing their B-team and now I’m here, in Paris, managing arguably the richest side in the world, in a one-horse race in the league, with a squad who’s annual income could cure world hunger. I was no longer replicating Klopp at Mainz and Dortmund, I was now Guardiola, looking for the easy route to success. Sure there is a skill in my management but it was a tactical decision to pack out my own CV. Shit, I’m turning into Mourinho. The man I hate most. I can’t stay here beyond this season. My mind is already made and it’s only February.

That’s all for now folks.
Au revoir.
Auf Wiedersehen.