City Of Love
The Heavyweight Divison
The sun was shining, the sky above bright blue. I took a deep breath in. Like a man leaving prison, I felt nervous, excited and ready for a new challenge. I placed my box of things in my car and waved at my house from the past three years. I was looking forward to some relaxation. Some downtime. Some me alone with Babestation time.
‘I’d like to offer you a job interview.’ His accent was strange, almost like his mouth struggled to get a hold of the words he was saying.
‘Oh right. To be honest mate, I’m thinking about taking some time off. Enjoying some sunshine, eat lots of chocolate, take up smoking. Y’know, what cool kids do.’
‘I want you to interview for the PSG manager position…’
‘Hello? Are you there?’
‘I’ve booked my flight and a hotel. I’ll be there in three hours.’
Three years at Braunschweig, three great years. The fans were devastated when I stepped down but it was the right choice. I’d achieved everything I’d wanted to achieve there. Our second back-to-back league title proved we weren’t a one season wonder and reaching the semi-final in the Champions League proved we were a top team. After all that I was tired and wanted a new challenge. A different challenge. Quite frankly, a selfish challenge – I wanted an easy challenge.
Football works in mysterious ways. As soon as I resigned, Barca sacked their manager. Instantly I was being linked and vetting questions about how I was the number 1 candidate. I was shocked, surprised and flattered. I accepted an interview invitation and it all seemed to go so well.
Until it hadn’t. Unai Emery left his position at PSG and was handed the job. So when one door closes another door opens.
‘I’d like to introduce you to the team.’ The door opened to the changing room, immediately I was met by Neymar and Marquinhos.
‘Nice to meet you both.’
‘And these are some of the summer signings.’
Anthony Martial, Ousmane Dembele and Benjamin Pavard all waved at me.
‘Are you ok?’ I nodded, trying to hide my erection.
SK Rapid Wien, 1-1
Angers SCO 2-0
Our pre-season friendlies went without a hitch, with four consecutive victories and one draw we looked ready to play Monaco for the first silverware of the season. Despite having five friendlies I was still no closer to picking my starting eleven. The depth of choice is ridiculous, anyone sitting on my bench is potentially another teams star player. We are also too top-heavy, and the former manager’s summer signings of Martial and Dembele are now added to an already potent mix. I now have to juggle Neymar, Mbappe, Leon Bailey, Goncalo Guedes, Hirving Lozano and Giovanni Simeone with the two new boys. I mean look at that list. Look at it. There must be half a billion pounds worth of players there and only three spots to contend for. Can anyone smell that? I smell a team dynamic problem.
Trophee des Champions – AS Monaco, 1-2
Ah. Our first competitive game and we get beat. Hopefully, it isn’t indicative of things to come. Surely not. I can already feel the knives sharpening.
FC Nantes, 4-1
Well, four games in the league, four very convincing victories. It’s worth mentioning that Mbappe has 8 goals already and I think I love him. I think slowly I’m starting to piece it all together now, who will be my starters and who will come in to rotate.
With that in mind I’ve sold some players too:
Giovanni Simeone, ST – £33m – Leverkusen. Not one bit sorry here, he’s a gobby tit and thinks he can hide behind his father’s surname. I hope the door hits you on your arse on the way out, prick.
Hiving Lozano, ST – £43m – RBL. Shame this, I really like the look of him but how can he displace Mbappe? He can’t, so off you go, mate.
Goncalo Guedes, RW – £91m – Man Utd. There was no place for him in the team. And for that sort of money you can’t complain, can you? The only disappointment was selling him to a man I’ve grown to dislike hugely since my time in Germany, Mourinho. Thankfully I made the twat pay through the nose.
It basically came down to a simple process. Martial and Dembele had just arrived so I couldn’t sell either of them. I then looked at the others and thought, will they get in the team ahead of Mbappe or Neymar? No? Then they’ve got to go.
Total Income: £167million. To be honest, most of the clubs business was done before my arrival in July and having looked at the team, I was pretty fucking pleased with what I had, but lots of ins and outs had happened otherwise, mostly loans, so I won’t delve much deeper as it wasn’t my business. I am just a passenger on another man’s ship at the moment.
‘Fuck me,’ I said.
‘What’s up boss?’ Javi Calleja, my assistant who’d followed me to Paris asked.
‘Some of these are unbelievable.’
‘Yes boss,’ he said, looking at Neymar and Mbappe, ‘we have some of the best players in the world here.’
‘Hmm? Oh, no, I meant these garlic snails.’ I showed him my fist full of food. ‘Lovely.’
SM Caen, 2-1
Champs League Group – Dynamo Kyiv, 0-0
AS Saint-Etienne, 5-0
Champs League Group – Bayern 1-1
Our league form has continued to be exceptional, with four games and four convincing victories again. Our Champions League form has been less impressive, with two games and two bore-draws. We’ll have to change that if we want to progress. I’ll be honest, the clubs expectations for the season is set pretty high. I’m expected to win the league and reach the final of the Champions League. So these two draws aren’t exactly endearing me to the clubs board.
‘I’ve travelled a lot with football. I started in Spain, then went to Germany and now I’m here in France. And you know what, not one of them knows how to make a good cup of tea.’ I slurped from my fine china cup. Now I was at PSG, my wages had been quadrupled from £10k a week to £40k. I was basically a trillionaire.
‘Sorry Monsieur, did you say something?’
The bell boy looked confused as he placed my room service tray on a nearby table. ‘Fuck off,’ I said, before throwing a wad of €1’s at him.
EA Guingamp, 4-1
Champs League Group – Napoli, 9-1
Dijon FCO, 7-2
FC Metz, 3-0
Goals. I love goals. Give me loads please. Give me them in every game. Make it rain. Don’t stop just keep giving them to me.
In all seriousness, the Napoli game was something else. We demolished a top team in their own backyard. The Napoli ultras must have been rioting after the game. It more than made up for the first two bore draws in Europe, we were obviously saving our goals for this game alone. And with some foresight, I have to say, it’s a sign of what is to come *wink wink*.
As you can imagine we’ve put ourselves in a good position in both the league, as we storm ahead into 1st and are currently well in the mix of our Champions League group. With the players we have at the club I expect us to make a good go at all competitions this season and maybe bring home some silverware.
Yes, life seems pretty simple here in Paris. No troubles, no complaints, all seems well. For now.
That’s all for now folks.
Check out how wonderkids from 2010 are doing in Darren Butler’s piece.