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The Sleeping Giant
So, a quick recap. Having defeated the whole world and their dad with PSG, I left after only a single season to find myself a tougher challenge. Liverpool provided the opportunity. The club finished 7th last season and qualified for the Europa League, despite a huge squad and a big wage bill of £3.8m per week. So here I am, currently second in the league in October, behind arch-rivals Man United and my nemesis Jose Mourinho. There’s also an underlying intrigue in this move. Liverpool and United are the two most successful clubs in terms of league titles and cup hauls. Yet whilst it was once Liverpool leading the way, in modern times the club has fallen behind their rival. My aim is to try and change that. My aim is to reawaken the sleeping giant.
October:
‘How have you found your first few months in charge?’ A journalist asked. He had a bulbous red nose, implying he was a heavy drinker.
‘Fine, I can’t complain. Things are going pretty well so far.’ I smirked. Things were going well, bar the opening game of the season.
‘Have you read the transcript from Mourinho’s latest press conference?’
‘For fuck sake, what’s that dickhead said now?’ I was beginning to grow bored with his constant talking.
‘He said he’s done bigger shits than your trophy cabinet.’
‘Jesus, I wouldn’t like to use the toilet after him then,’ thinking about my own personal success.
I’m really pleased with how the team is progressing, not just in terms of the results but the team dynamic. We are scoring a lot of goals, not surprising when we have the likes of Firmino, Woodburn, Origi, Salah, Iheanacho and Gonzalez. All of them are scoring goals and relishing the style of play. The biggest positive is the goals conceded. I’ll be the first to admit defending has often been an issue for my teams and although we are conceding, it’s not overly concerning.
So anyway we’ve added another three wins in the league, two against potential top-four rivals in Man City and Chelsea. We also managed to win in the Europa League in what has already been a hugely successful group stage. I’m pretty certain we’ll qualify and if we keep it up we’ll progress in top position. The only blight on the month was a disappointing defeat to Brighton. Even though it was an away game we should have been beating them. However, and here comes my excuse, we played that game as one of four games in a ten day period. Even I was knackered and I was sat on my arse picking my nose.
November:
‘You’re getting sacked in the morning, sacked in the morning!’ Our fans sang above the booing, the crying, the spitting. The city of Liverpool was divided for the day, either blue or red, a choice not made by yourself but one made before your birth. What team do you support? Red, or blue. Paco Jemez was not in serious trouble despite the loss. Everton is an established mid-table club now, they were used to defeat. Seeing the red shirts bouncing, singing and laughing, I couldn’t help but grin. ‘Getting sacked in the morning, sacked in the morning!’ I sang with the fans, with a wink to Jemez.
Well, well, well. A massive month. Huge. We’ve beaten Arsenal, another top 4 rival, and arguably our biggest rival in Everton in what was a rollercoaster of a game. Within 21 minutes Everton were up by two goals and we spent the rest of the first half trying to break them down and also prevent them from running away with the game. At half-time, I pulled the lads in, sat them down and asked them to do something for me. ‘What boss?’ Hendo asked. ‘Just sort your shit out, please. Fuck sake. I’ve got a coupon on here and you’re letting me down for £65 quid.’ Thankfully the lads did. They came out in the second half and twatted them, winning the game 4-3, saving face around the city of Liverpool and most importantly, winning me my coupon.
After our comprehensive victories over SJK and Braga, we progressed through to the next stage of the Europa League, having dominated every team in the group as if we were a dominatrix looming over her client.
December:
‘Alright lads, we’ve got some massive games this month. Massive. Remember that conversation we had about swinging your big bollocks around?’ Coutinho nodded with a glimpse towards his shorts. ‘Now I need to see it.’ Hendo went to pull his shorts down again. ‘No,’ I snapped. ‘Let’s have a real go here. ‘I said no, Hendo, fuck sake.’ Hendo had pulled his pants down anyway. Weird bastard.
A massive month. Yes, the Europa League and Carabao Quarter results are great but the important thing is the five wins and one draw in the league. Especially beating United, and more importantly Mourinho. The moody, big-mouthed tit. Naturally, he came out to the press and accused me of doping my players. Technically he’s right but he shouldn’t have to put a spotlight on it, y’know what I mean? It definitely re-opens the door in the league, albeit only by a slither. We sit at the top now, with United breathing heavily down our neck.
January:
‘I’d just like to apologise.’ I stuck out my hand. The bald man who had so often been on the receiving end of my barrages over the years in the Champions League for drawing me and my teams against tough opposition.
‘Tis ok,’ he replied in a heavily accented voice. We shook hands. A man I’d physically attacked on several occasions. ‘You’re a good man,’ I grinned, shaking his hand happily.
Well, a mixed month for us. We’ll start with the league first. Two draws and one loss means we started the month in 1st place of the Premiership and end it in 2nd place trailing Man United by six points. Hugely, hugely disappointing. It looks like our chance at a first league title in 32 years might be finished. Very frustrating after beating them last month. United keep on chugging along and seem unstoppable now. But, I can only hope with so much football left to play, they will, at some point, stumble and we will have to make sure we are there in the hope they do.
However, we have progressed nicely in the cup competitions. A massive fixture against Everton ended on a massive high after destroying the blue buggers in the home leg 7-1 (8-2 on aggregate) and securing our place in the final. My first of hopefully many for the club. We’ve also navigated ourselves into the next round of the F.A. Cup. A cup the club expects us to reach the final in as a bare minimum. So, maybe the league is now lost to us for another season but we have a good chance of winning some trophies still. Positive thinking guys, positive thinking *cries into my bowl of imported Fruit Loops cereal.*
So that’s all, for now, folks, until next time.
Toodle-loo.