The Chancers Chronicles: Paris Part 3
City Of Love: The Heavyweight Division
This season has been mad. We’ve been by and far the best team in the league, with Monaco trailing by a sizeable chunk of 16 points, it was safe to say we are likely to win the league. But, in Paris, that is now expected. What is really important is to win the holy grail. A Champions League medal.
‘C’mon here Neymar, what’s your first name again? You’re like Bono? Ok, whatever. Listen, I can see you like doing stepovers but do you know what’s also really good? Passing. Pass the fucking ball, Bono.’
AS Monaco, 5-0 – Our rivals, yet, not really. We put them to the sword with disappointing ease. Had they beat us, maybe our confidence would be shot and the league may not have been won at a canter. As it was, after this game, it always felt done.
FC Metz, 3-0
French Cup 11th Round – FC Nantes, 4-0
Champions League 1st Knockout Round – Tottenham, 7-0
French Cup Quarter-final – AS Saint-Etienne, 1-0.
As I’ve come to expect with this team we’ve scored yet more ridiculous amounts of goals. It is remarkable when you consider we are playing two games a week, sometimes three, yet we are still consistently destroying teams with, it has to be said, relative ease. The lads are leaps and bounds above everything else in this country.
The Tottenham game is interesting. We went to ‘The New White Hart Lane’ (also known as the world’s longest and cheesiest stadium name) and managed four away goals. Yet it always felt like the game was in the balance. I thought the second leg, despite being at home, would be tough and might finally test the lads. Nevertheless, I was disappointed yet oddly aroused when we left the stadium having destroyed them.
‘PSG,’ the piece of paper was stretched to reveal the words. I sat up, who would we get? Bayern? My old enemy from Germany. Juventus? A tough team and Italy is a country I’ve not really visited much in my career. Real Madrid? A tough game, they’re currently winning the La Liga. ‘And they will play in the quarter-finals…’ he rolled his hand around the bowl and plucked a ball out. I edged along my seat until my cheeks hung off, barely held on by arse-hairs. “Manchester United.”
‘Ohhhhh.’ The noise reverberated through the stage. The cameras panned to me and split screened to Jose Mourinho. Me and Mourinho have past history. Back in Braunschweig, he’d had the audacity to bad-mouth my team, before and after our matches. I didn’t like him, he didn’t like me. Seeing his smirking smug face I couldn’t help myself, I grabbed the camera pointed at my face and pulled it closer. I’m gonna batter you.
Coupe de la Ligue Final – FC Nantes, 1-0
Champions League Quarter-final – Man United, 3-0
Champions League Quarter-final – Man United, 0-1.
‘Have you got anything to say about the opposition manager after he knocked you out tonight on aggregate?’ Mourinho shrugged. ‘He was lucky. The referee made some terrible decisions which robbed us and cost us the game.’
‘He said what? The softy. He chats some absolute rubbish, him. The referee did his job and at the end of the day, we scored 3 to his 1. Someone give him some maths lessons.’
FC Lorient, 5-0
Champions League Semi-final – Man City, 6-2 – a very professional first left at home. City looked really dangerous in the first half and at one point we were level at 2-2 but an exceptional second half shot us into a much more comfortable position.
Toulouse FC, 3-3.
The team has continued its continual grind in all competitions. The league is now done and dusted with us crowned champions – huzzah! We’ve also worked our way through to the French Cup semi-final, and managed to win our first trophy of the season, beating FC Nantes in the Coupe de la Ligue Final. A dull affair, in all honesty, with us maybe feeling the pressure but a win is a win and I was absolutely delighted.
No viagra in the world could give me an erection as hard as Mourinho crying as I waved him out of the stadium with a big smirk on my face. I wouldn’t need any wanking material for a month. It also seems like we must play and beat every single English team in the competition. What are the odds we would draw Tottenham, United and City on our journey through the knockout stages?
‘This is it, lads. Last month of the season. We’ve got some massive games, both in the Champions League and the French Cup. I need you all to be concentrated. No, Neymar, on your football, not brushing your hair. C’mon Mbappe, get off Tinder mate, concentrate. Rabiot, do you need to phone up the Bentley salesman right this moment?’ *Sigh* ‘Fuck the lot of you.’
Champions League Semi-final – Man City, 2-2
AS Monaco, 3-2
French Cup Semi-final – Dijon FCO, 3-0
FC Nantes, 0-0.
French Cup final – AS Monaco, 3-1 – 1-1 at full-time so a nervous extra-time followed. ‘C’mon lads, I believe in you. I know you can beat these bunch of tax-dodging bastards.’ The lads thought about their own bank accounts over in the Bahamas but shrugged and thought, probably be nice to get a cup bonus this week as well I suppose.
Champions League Final – Real Madrid, 4-0 – It almost felt like a routine win this. I was going to build this up and really draw out the suspense but in all honesty, there was none. We turned up, allowed them twenty minutes of possession then hit them on the break with Neymar scoring. We made it to half-time and I informed the lads that all they had to do was stay switched on and we’d win old big ears. Three goals in quick succession made the game all but easy. I was delighted, we’d won the most prestigious trophy in club football. We’d also beat a very good Madrid side who won La Liga by 5 points.
So what a season. Four competitions and four wins. The league, the French Cup, the Coupe de la Ligue and the Champions League. A serious trophy haul. The team was just something else. It almost felt like cheating. We went unbeaten in the league, winning 34 and drawing 4. We finished on a record-breaking 106 points with a goal difference of 106. We scored (breaking the goal record) 125 goals, and conceded only 19. In 38 games. We averaged 3.3 goals a game in the league. Scary.
Player of the Season:
Mbappe. Jesus Christ, the man is a fucking machine. 39 games, 53 goals and 14 assists. He would have had more but suffered several niggling injuries which made him miss games. He averaged 7.96 for the season.
This could be a case of stating every player because it was that ridiculous but I will try and narrow it down. So here goes:
GK: Geronimo Rulli – 42 appearances and 28 clean sheets and an average rating of 7.18. To be honest he was in with a shout of Player of the Season, for the exact opposite of Mbappe. I tend to fall in love with goalkeepers who are either a) a bit mad and shit or b) better than our striker who’s scored 53 goals this season. It’s safe to say Rulli falls into the second category. Honestly, he defied gravity at times. I think he’s the best keeper I’ve ever had.
CB: Presnel Kimpembe – Tough one this because our CB’s were unbelievable this season. I do love my left-footed CB’s though and he was exceptional. He scored 4 goals and for some reason managed 5 assists, which were all ridiculous chips from the back. He averaged 7.58 for the season. His name also sounds like Pretzel. Nuff said.
LWB: Alex Grimaldo – He literally never stopped running during the season. He averaged 7.52 with 1 goal and 11 assists. Brilliant. Currently worth £48million, not bad for a left-back.
RWB: Leon Bailey – What do you do with one of the worlds best wingers if you don’t play wingers? Make him a wing-back. Bailey complained about game time. Or, a lack of. I, therefore, shoe-horned him in and never looked back. In 18 games he managed 8 assists and averaged 7.35.
CM: Adrien Rabiot – I wasn’t sure what to make of him when I joined. He’s clearly a top player but did he fit with what I required? He shut me up very quickly. He scored 13 goals and made 12 assists, and almost every single one of them goals was a thunderbastard that near broke the net. Brilliant. In 43 games he averaged 7.80 for the season.
ST: Anthony Martial – He played 34 games and scored 38 goals with 16 assists and 7 POM awards. I didn’t really want him and was surprised when I saw the club had bought him before my arrival but I really came to rely on him after the first month or two.
ST: Neymar – 43 games, 28 goals and 35 assists. Thirty-five assists. Jesus. He averaged 8.01 for the season and seeing those numbers you aren’t surprised he won 10 POM awards. Great player but a bit of a moaning twat to be honest.
So, as you can tell my heart isn’t really in it at PSG. They’re a top, top team and arguably the richest in the world but it was all just… meh. Boring. I like to build teams and this team was already bought and made before I arrived. I tried to mix it up by replacing world class players with academy players like Brian Lobo but let’s be honest, anyone would excel, myself included, in this team (yeah maybe not me, I am properly bad). It was, therefore, unsurprising that only days after winning the Champions League, and a quadruple for the club, I resigned as manager. I want a new challenge, a falling star, a do-a-upper type of job, with a bit of wheel and dealing, some hard grafting to try and compete. Funnily enough, such a job has just come up…
That’s all, for now, folks, until next time.